Good vibes only: When positivity becomes toxic. 

We often hear it: ‘Think positive!’, ‘Everything happens for a reason!’, ‘Stay grateful!’. Well-intentioned comments, but sometimes they don’t sit right. Because when you’re feeling sad, angry, or powerless, a response like ‘Just stay positive!’ can feel out of place. 

That’s what we call toxic positivity: the belief that we should always be optimistic and grateful, no matter the circumstances1. While positive emotions do have many benefits, it becomes problematic when they’re used to suppress or judge negative ones. 

Toxic positivity is not the same as optimism

Toxic positivity differs from healthy optimism. Where optimism allows room for reality and nuance, toxic positivity tries to avoid or drown out anything uncomfortable. It’s no longer about resilience, but about emotional denial. Research has shown that actively supressing feelings, known as emotional suppression, is linked to higher physiological stress, lower well-being, and poorer relationships2. In other words: what we don’t feel doesn’t disappear. It stays under the surface, creating tension and distance from both ourselves and others. 

Why ‘always positive’ doesn’t work

Negative emotions serve an evolutionary purpose. For instance, fear helps us recognize danger, sadness supports processing, and anger helps protect our boundaries, among other things. When we deny these emotions, we lose important information about what we need. In fact, it’s resistance to unwanted emotions that increases suffering. As Stephen Hayes, founder of ACT, puts it: ‘It’s not our feelings that hurt us. It’s our resistance to them.’3 Accepting these emotions, on the other hand, protects us from psychological distress. Positive thinking can help, but only when it’s rooted in an acknowledgment of reality, not a denial of it. 

“Connection is the energy that exists between people when the feel seen, heard and valued!”

Connection grows from authenticity

We often think connection comes from cheerfulness or positivity, but in truth, connection grows from vulnerability. When we allow ourselves to show what we really feel, we invite others to the same. As Brené Brown4 states in her research on vulnerability: ‘Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.’ Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s a form of courage. It’s the foundation of trust, and therefore of any and every meaningful relationship. Real connection doesn’t require solutions of cheerful pep talks, it needs presence and acknowledgment. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is simply sit beside someone in their sadness without trying to fill the silence with positivity. The same goes for how we treat ourselves: the best thing you can do is acknowledge your negative emotions and allow them to exist, without immediately trying to turn them into something positive. 

From positivity to authenticity

Maybe the challenge isn’t to stay positive all the time, but to stay real. When we dare to be open an honest, we create a space for connection with both ourselves and with others. How can we be optimistic and connected without falling into the trap of toxic positivity?

Acknowledge what’s there, without judgement. Self-compassion starts by recognizing your own pain as part of being human, without shame or judgement. Facing difficult emotions is a crucial step in dealing with them. 

Listen without fixing. In conversations with others, listen without rushing to comfort or solve. Connection comes from acknowledging what’s going on and giving the other person space to feel it. 

Gratitude over positivity. Seeing the positive side in difficult situations is a healthy trait, but the key is gratitude. When something unpleasant happens, you can be grateful for the lessons or direction it brings, without suppressing the negative emotions. Expressing gratitude for small glimmers of light in the midst of hardship strengthens your psychological resilience. Use your positivity as support, not as a shield. 

In a coaching trajectory with Wake Up Student, we can support you in facing your negative emotions and strengthening your connection with yourself and others.

References: 

1. Wyatt, Z. (2024). The dark side of# PositiveVibes: Understanding toxic positivity in modern culture. Psychiatry.
2. Gross, J. J., & Levenson, R. W. (1997). Hiding feelings: the acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. Journal of abnormal psychology, 106(1), 95.
3. Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change. Guilford press.
4. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. New York: Penguin.